Wednesday, 1 February 2012


Sometimes You Are Not Supposed To Be Happy 
in that moment...

...and that is ok.

I have a great family.  I know I sound horribly biased but that does not make it any less true.  I am really blessed to have Super Dad love me every day.  I am really blessed to have Power Princess, Rainbow Bright and Spiderman in my life to love, raise and be raised up in this homeschool journey.  Most would say our family is complete and if you had asked me last fall I would have completely agreed.
But several months ago, my husband and I discovered I was pregnant.  Surprise!  It’s difficult to write that with a straight face as I have been married for some time with 3 gorgeous children so I obviously know where babies come from but nevertheless, surprise.  We were shocked and reluctantly excited.  That is when I began to prepare for a new child.  It is when I became a Mother again.  My family was not yet complete.

On December 5th, I woke up and discovered I had been bleeding and hurt alot.  I mean alot ladies!!!  I rushed to the emergency room, leaving my worried husband and three kids at home because I don’t like to expose them to the germs of a hospital. 

When I arrived and was seen by the nurse, I was told gently by the nurse that I needed to wait.  She led me to a curtained room and there I stayed for 8 hours (sadly, there is a shortage of doctors in Canada but that is a blog for another day).  The nurse did her best by checking on me periodically and my pastor and his wife came to pray for me but sadly there was nothing to be done.  I sat in that room for 8 hours and cried.  

The doctor came in that night, when he could see me, and told me that I had a miscarriage sometime earlier that week before and I did not realise it.  I expressed concern as this was my second miscarriage so the Doctor informed me that it was just my body’s way of discontinuing a pregnancy that was chromosomally abnormal and that I could go on to have more children in the future or something like that.  Honestly, I have no idea exactly how he worded it as I was in shock and more sad then I have ever been in my life.   I literally could not stop crying.  My husband and I told the children that night. They (the kids) named the baby Rose so that is what we now call her.   

I felt so lost afterwards and unbelieving that this had happened.  I was afraid to move.  I couldn’t even go to the bathroom, if you want the truth, as it reminded me of it.  I felt that maybe I did something that caused this to happen (drank too much soda, ate too much chocolate, whatever).  Then I got angry because it happened.  I mean, we didn’t even plan to be pregnant with Rose and now this.  I was terribly sad and a bit irrational.  It couldn’t be helped, as I have now learned, as it is part of the grieving process, all normal.

This grieving process has had no time limit and it has been difficult.  I now understand quite a few things through this process that I didn’t know before.  I decided to write this blog to maybe share some of that with you.

Here is what I have learned about miscarriage:
      1.     It is not my fault! While I do not agree with how the doctor explained it to me, it is true that whatever will be, will be.  All I can do is praise God thru this storm and know that He understands what I am going through, the club I am now in against my will (women who have had a miscarriage).  There is nothing I could have changed. 

    2.    It is ok to grieve for your loss!  For me, once I found out I was pregnant with any and all of my children, I was a mother.  I was their mother.  That is true of my 3 living children as well as the 2 children I have miscarried.  It doesn’t matter to me if my baby is just a bunch of cells and not a fetus yet, it is my baby.  I have to say that what truly helped me the most is when my kids named Rose.  Their little hearts are so honest and for them it was just something to call the baby and that helped me tremendously with the grieving process.  It gave me something tangible for my sadness as well as helped them articulate what they were feeling.

    3.     You do not have to be made or expect to feel happy again overnight.  This was brought home to me when my friends and family, even strangers, would say to me, “Just focus on the children you have, you are so lucky and blessed.” I understand that it is difficult to know as an outsider of this horrible club what to say in a situation like this.  But having heard it from the people I love, it caused me alot of guilt along with my sadness because I had a hard time “moving on” even though I know they were trying to help. 

It really is ok to be sad in a situation of loss.  There really is no clear way to explain grief except to say that it is difficult and is a process.  I wish for none of it but it is a part of life.  I know this post was heavy and sensitive for some but I can say it has helped me alot to write it.  I hope you understand. 

I am looking forward to the years to come on this journey in life.  I hope to have another child one day, not to replace the ones I lost but to add to our family, grow our love for each other and journey with us on this homeschool adventure!

God bless you all,

 "A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?' He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm." -Mark 4:37-39 (NIV)