Sometimes
You Are Not Supposed To Be Happy
in that moment...
in that moment...
...and that is ok.
I have a great family.
I know I sound horribly biased but that does not make it any less
true. I am really blessed to have Super
Dad love me every day. I am really
blessed to have Power Princess, Rainbow Bright and Spiderman in my life to love,
raise and be raised up in this homeschool journey. Most would say our family is complete and if
you had asked me last fall I would have completely agreed.
But several months ago, my husband and I discovered I was
pregnant. Surprise! It’s difficult to write that with a straight
face as I have been married for some time with 3 gorgeous children so I
obviously know where babies come from but nevertheless, surprise. We were shocked and reluctantly excited. That is when I began to prepare for a new
child. It is when I became a Mother
again. My family was not yet complete.
On December 5th, I woke up and discovered I
had been bleeding and hurt alot. I mean
alot ladies!!! I rushed to the emergency
room, leaving my worried husband and three kids at home because I don’t like to
expose them to the germs of a hospital.
When I arrived and was seen by the nurse, I was told
gently by the nurse that I needed to wait. She led me to a curtained room and there I stayed
for 8 hours (sadly, there is a shortage of doctors in Canada but that is a blog
for another day). The nurse did her best
by checking on me periodically and my pastor and his wife came to pray for me
but sadly there was nothing to be done.
I sat in that room for 8 hours and cried.
The doctor came in that night, when he could
see me, and told me that I had a miscarriage sometime earlier that week before
and I did not realise it. I expressed
concern as this was my second miscarriage so the Doctor informed me that it was
just my body’s way of discontinuing a pregnancy that was chromosomally abnormal
and that I could go on to have more children in the future or something like
that. Honestly, I have no idea exactly
how he worded it as I was in shock and more sad then I have ever been in my
life. I literally could not stop
crying. My husband and I told the
children that night. They (the kids) named the baby Rose so that is what we now
call her.
I felt so lost afterwards and unbelieving that this had
happened. I was afraid to move. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom, if you
want the truth, as it reminded me of it.
I felt that maybe I did something that caused this to happen (drank too
much soda, ate too much chocolate, whatever).
Then I got angry because it happened.
I mean, we didn’t even plan to be pregnant with Rose and now this. I was terribly sad and a bit irrational. It couldn’t be helped, as I have now learned, as it is part of the grieving process, all normal.
This grieving process has had no time limit and it has
been difficult. I now understand quite a
few things through this process that I didn’t know before. I decided to write this blog to maybe share
some of that with you.
Here is what I have learned about miscarriage:
1. It is not my fault! While
I do not agree with how the doctor explained it to me, it is true that whatever
will be, will be. All I can do is praise
God thru this storm and know that He understands what I am going through, the club
I am now in against my will (women who have had a miscarriage). There is nothing I could have changed.
2. It is ok to grieve for your loss! For me, once I found out I was pregnant with
any and all of my children, I was a mother.
I was their mother. That is true
of my 3 living children as well as the 2 children I have miscarried. It doesn’t matter to me if my baby is just a
bunch of cells and not a fetus yet, it is my baby. I have to say that what truly helped me the
most is when my kids named Rose. Their
little hearts are so honest and for them it was just something to call the baby
and that helped me tremendously with the grieving process. It gave me something tangible for my sadness
as well as helped them articulate what they were feeling.
3. You do not have to be made or expect to
feel happy again overnight.
This was brought home to me when my friends and family, even strangers,
would say to me, “Just focus on the children you have, you are so lucky and
blessed.” I understand that it is difficult to know as an outsider of this
horrible club what to say in a situation like this. But having heard it from the people I love,
it caused me alot of guilt along with my sadness because I had a hard time “moving
on” even though I know they were trying to help.
It really is ok to be sad in a situation of loss. There really is no clear way to explain grief
except to say that it is difficult and is a process. I wish for none of it but it is a part of
life. I know this post was heavy and
sensitive for some but I can say it has helped me alot to write it. I hope you understand.
I am looking forward to the years to come on this journey
in life. I hope to have another child
one day, not to replace the ones I lost but to add to our family, grow our love
for each other and journey with us on this homeschool adventure!
God bless you all,
Supermom
"A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?' He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm." -Mark 4:37-39 (NIV)
